Here. I. Am.

Hello!

Time flies doesn’t it? I had not even started back to work last time that I updated this blog and here it is April 15th 2010. In 1 day it will be my one year anniversary from the day I received my stem cells back. I can still taste the lemon drops I sucked on as they pushed the vials back in to me. I vividly remember how high that they elevated the bed so I could lay prone as they injected my line. I still remember thinking. This. Is. It. The final step. I did not cry…but I wanted to. Other than a few precious memories I want to obliterate 2009 from my mind, my psyche, my soul. 2010. Ahhhhh, now this is a year with a happy ring to it for me. One year. A lot can change in one year and a lot can stay the same. I have changed and yet stayed the same.

I am stronger; mentally, emotionally. I am more grounded, more logical. I still have dreams but more fears as well. I temper this with my Gemini personality to imagine hard but maintain a solid reality. I have learned to be more okay about things that I cannot change, to ‘go with the flow’ a bit more if you will and be more aware of the blessings in my life as opposed to the experiences, persons, etc. my freewill cannot change. Seriously, who has the time to fester about things you have no control over? My focus is on the things in my life I do control. I focus on the fact that I hold the reins on what I want to put into a relationship and what I want to get out of it, on my work-life balance, on my evolution as a healthy person.

Spiritually, I have moved/shifted somewhat on my views or perhaps more accurately shifted on the strength of those convictions. I am not as faithful to my belief in karma. Bad things happen to good people and vice-versa. It is sad and unjust when that is the case but that is Life and for the most part the world seems to tip toward good things happening to good people. Also, 2009 positively reinforced my faith that THIS (the here, the now, the beginning and end of my days on earth) is not IT. I will not, can not, define what else that there is but I know there is something else because in those days when in my darkest heart I worried that 09 might be my last I knew that even if I left my loved ones, I could not, would not, ever truly leave them behind.

Physically, I am in a stronger place. The results might be hard and slow to notice but I have committed myself to a fitness regime that I have been faithful to since January and though to look at me the results are not dramatic; I am proud of what I have accomplished. Last year I could not walk more than a flight of stairs, my lungs were tiny restricted balloons, my core weak. Now I can run 5k on the treadmill faster then say, a lame camel, and am building stronger muscles and a stronger attitude.

And so, Here. I. Am. In the middle of a life that I never wanted interrupted in the first place. …and happy to be here!

With gratitude,
Carey